Why I hate dating

8 months ago I decided to stop using Tinder. Finding dates has thus been reduced to chance encounters (which are much rarer). Ever since, I have seen my mental peace go up and I started feeling better about being single.

Here is the text I wrote the day I removed Tinder from my phone, 8 months ago:

For the last 10 months I have been experiencing a strange, emotional jojo effect.
There are times that I feel neutral.
There are times I feel ecstatic.
And...
There are times I feel really, really, really shitty.
The "I don't want to get out of bed ever again" kind of shitty.
Everything looks gray and grim on those days.
A dark veil covers all my experiences
And it rains on all my parades.

I thought it was because I am single.
But now I think it's because of all that dating!
Cause in periods where I had no dates for a while and just focused on myself and the things I like, I actually felt good! :)

Since I do not like theories without any data to support them, I took out my calculator.
In the last 10 months I have had about 30 dates. I usually spend between 2 and 4 hours with a date. With some of them I went on a second or even a third date. So let's just say that I spend 3 hours with a date on average. That is a total of 90 hours of dating in 10 months. Ka-ching!

But before I even go on a date I spend a LOT of time swipping Tinder candidates left (which means "no" for those who are not familiar with Tinder), chatting with various people and filtering out the ones that can obviously not be a match after some discussion. We can safely say that I need about 4 hours of this before I end up going on one date (and that is a very optimistic estimation in fact, I think it's more). So that is 120 hours of swiping and chatting. Ka-ching!

So we have a total of 210 hours spent on dating related activities in 10 months. This equals 1,2 months worth of work for a fulltime job. Which is enormous!!!! If i had used this time to do stretches I would be doing a split by now!!! :D

But, I am not done calculating yet.
The truth is that I am a very sensitive, romantic soul that cannot help but go on these dates with expectations. So no matter how the date turns out, I'll always end up feeling shitty. What is worse, is that I have a very annoying and grim voice resonating in my head for days after each date.


If they turn me down, it obviously hurts my ego and the grim, annoying voice will torture me with things like:

• "You are not beautiful, stylish, mysterious and interesting enough" (Chipping away at my self-love, confidence and integrity)
• "The type of guys that you DO like are way out of your league" (feeling worthless and not good enough)
• "A guy like that will never fall head over heels for you" (despair, nasty comment to oneself)
• "With that ridiculously enormous grin of yours you must have scared him away. He must have realized that in your mind you saw him like one giant chocolate truffle and he ran for his life" (self-loathing)

If I turn them down, the annoying, grim voice sounds something like this:

• "You probably just hurt someone. You're a bad person" (GUILT, GUILT, GUILT)
• "Is it really a coincidence that you dislike those who like you? You must be sick in your head or something!" (Mindfucking myself)
• "Maybe you judged too fast" (DOUBT, DOUBT, DOUBT)
• "You're too difficult" (self-loathing, nastiness)
• "How come you never like anyone? Maybe you are still not over your ex" (again trying to find an explanation for the inexplicable and making it my own fault while forgetting the few men I did like)
• "Maybe you are not ready to open your heart again. It's your own fault. (Another variant of blaming myself)
• "Are there no men I like out there? What the hell is wrong with this world? Am I living in the wrong city?" (Despair and blaming the world, becoming mean and nasty)
• "Where are the noteworthy men? Where are they? Why do I only know noteworthy, admirable, kind and beautiful WOMEN? Why are there no men like that out there? Maybe it's a gender thing!" (Great despair, Frustration, becoming unfair and unrealistic, forgetting the positive encounters, forgetting that I have noteworthy male friends, being 2 steps away from becoming a lesbian)
• "All the good ones are taken, and those bitches make sure to stay right on top of them" (being very frustrated and angry, unfair, nasty and mean).

So as you can see, after dates I typically end up hating myself and the world. I know this voice is silly and mean and full of bullshit, yet it does get to me unfortunately...
I don't like what this is doing to me, and I don't like what I am becoming.

These fits of anger and self-abuse propel me into a depressive state which typically lasts from 2 to 5 days after a date. Which means I had the pleasure of experiencing about 105 days of dating-relating depression and anger in the last 10 months. That is 3,5 months of depression and 1,2 months worth of  fulltime work! GREAT!

The conclusion is clear : dating for me is just plain SELF-ABUSE.

If love is light, then I am blind

A year ago I lost my light. I’ve been able to see for 12 out of the 13 years of my adult life, but now I live in the darkness. No colors, no breathtaking views, no warm sunsets, no romantic moons… I can’t ride the bike anymore, go to the theater or roam around the city carelessly like I used to.
It’s a loss a feel daily, in the small things and in the big things. My life is just not the same anymore.

The doctors tell me my blindness is a temporary one. That statistically speaking I should be able to see again one day, yet they cannot predict when. In a week, or in a month, or maybe in 5 years.

It’s been a year now. Still no light.
I had to learn everything anew. How to be in the darkness and how to focus on my other senses.
How to make the most of what I got.
I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year, and indeed my hearing has never been this sharp.
I also found alternative activities for myself and met a lot of new people along the way.
In fact, I think I have never been this busy.

Still, I do miss the light. I miss it dearly. I miss seeing.

Some of my visual memories start to fade.
Sometimes I panic. I’m afraid I will forget what it felt like to see.
So I play memories over and over in my head. Holding on to what I remember of living in the light.
Every retrieved memory is a relief: at least I can still see with my mind's eye.
At least I have not forgotten how beautiful all those landscapes are.
At least I have not come to believe that light does not exist.
Yet, every retrieved memory also drives a dagger through my heart.
It is a painful reminder that I cannot see anymore.

Will I ever see again?
The doctors say so…

Sometimes I experience a brief flash of light. I get all excited and for the next few days I am in a state of over-joyous frenzy. Maybe this is it, maybe I will see again!
A few days later, when the light has failed to come into my life, I sink into depression.
It’s not my time yet. It’s not today…

I’ve also exhausted myself trying out solution that were supposed to help me heal faster.
It did not work and it took so much energy away from me.
So I will let it be now.

Whenever I share the sadness I feel well-meaning friends, family and acquaintances try to comfort me or give me advice :

“You should fully embrace your new life, make the most out of it.”
- I do make the most out of it, but the sad truth is that I would rather skip to the part where I will see again.

“When you will truly let it go, when you will stop trying that is when you will suddenly start to see again”
- Hmmm… I did not know that outer reality is influenced by our inner hopes and thoughts. Cause see, if that were true everyone could obtain what they desire by just stopping trying. How great would that be! A true revolution!
If you wanna be rich, all you need to do is stop trying and BOOM you’ll just win the lottery one day! Or if you wanna loose weight, all you need to do is stop trying and BOOM, one day you wake up thin magically! Or if you wanna become a top athlete, just stop trying and it will happen. I am telling you, this is how the world works. Just stop tying and it will happen when you least expect it! This is the magic rule that reigns our universe.
(By the way, I have stopped trying quiet a while ago but that hasn’t changed anything)

“You know, not being able to see is actually a cool thing! Think about how strong your other senses have become. That is pretty neat right?”
- Yes it is pretty neat indeed, but I would like to fucking see again too. Why don’t you go and pull out your own eyes if you think this is so cool!
- Oh sorry, you are blind from birth you say?…. Well, I understand why you don’t miss seeing then. You cannot miss something you have never known.

See I sometimes get the feeling that I am not allowed to feel sad from time to time. That I should feel complete living in darkness. Yet I don’t. I am sorry but I simply don’t. I miss those breathtaking views and all the things I could do. Why should I embrace this new reality when the doctors say it’s only temporary? Why should I pretend that there is not more to life than this?

So please accept that I sometimes do carry a little dark cloud with me that is raining right over my head. And please stop telling me that I should chase it away. I can’t.
All you can do, is open an umbrella of empathy for me.



Different pulses - Asaf Avidan

The other me

Who are you girl?
I don't remember you.

You're between 17 and 24 years old.
How do you make your decision?
How do you feel?
Do you feel?

I cannot remember you.
It's as if you didn't live.
Yet I know you had a life.
You had activities, friends, studies, work....

I know what happened at 17.
At 17 you turned the switch off.
A debilitating pain threatened to immobilize you.
You decided to not feel and push yourself forward.
You stopped feeling the pain.
I think you stopped feeling altogether.

And forward you went.
And further you travelled.
Till the pain caught up on you,
And it slowed you down.

Your pace stopped being so decided.
You started wandering.
You started wondering.

Then a crack appeared in your thick stone wall...

And the light burst in,
And the pain poured out,
And you started to feel again.

Your life transformed.
I know the rest.

But you...
Who are you?

Oh child

Oh child
So full of wonder,
So full of life.

Absorbed by the world around you.
There is so much to see,
There is so much to do,
There is so much to try.

Absorbed by the world within you.
I see you pause and immerse in a million thoughts.
Your dark eyes grow darker,
And the thoughts race in your head.
Maybe you try to grasp reality,
Maybe you just made a connection,
Or maybe you just had a new idea.

Your desire is so pure.
So undiluted.

No hesitation.
No judgment.
No shame.

It's just you.
It's just your nature.

Most often you are a child.
But sometimes you are an adult.
An adult infant.

Whenever I get the chance to witness you,
I cannot help but cry.
Something about you deeply moves me.
Yet I don't know why.

I feel love.
The kind of love that wants to care, protect and watch-over.
So that you may forever stay a child.
Forever what I cannot be.
Forever unbridled.
Forever unbroken.

Yet your life has not been easy.
I think you were broken too.
But you decided to stay in the moment before
Forever before
Forever unbroken

Forever a child.

My deal breakers

I have been thinking lately about the qualities I appreciate in a potential partner. Somehow this exercise is easier when I think about my deal-breakers and then extrapolate from there.

You won’t be a match for me if:

• You can’t laugh about yourself
• You think there needs to be a good reason in order to laugh and smile
• You do not naturally smile back at people
• You can’t get loose and enjoy yourself without alcohol or drugs
• You are a chain-smoker or a workaholic
• You are a travel addict
• You sweat the small stuff
• You are often stressed, anxious or afraid
• You are obsessed and/or impressed by money, power, fame or knowledge
• You cannot relax and have to absolutely be doing something every second of your day
• You cannot enjoy being alone
• You like carrying the weight of the world while you neglect carrying your own weight
• You find it very difficult to open up and talk about your emotions
• You absolutely, certainly, most definitively want to have children
• You believe you have to absolutely live in the same house with someone when you are in a committed relationship with them
• You dislike monogamy
• You dislike monogamy but prefer to nag about it instead of changing your lifestyle (go ahead and be polygamous, no one is stopping you)
• You cannot talk about sex
• You hate the city
• You think freedom is only possible when living in a little cabin in the woods
• You think that the quality of travel is measured by the number of kilometers traveled
• You think society needs to change before you can start being happy
• It’s always everybody else’s fault cause you do not realize the power of your actions, decisions and attitude
• Your home is extremely tidy and it feels more like a catalog image than a living home
• You think it’s not necessary to be in love in order to be with someone; and if you ask “what do you mean by be in love?” it means you probably never felt it or are playing dumb cause you rather be with someone than be alone. When you feel it you know it, there is no doubt nor an explanation necessary.
• You haven’t cut that umbilical cord yet
• You are too concerned with what others will think of you
• You see the world as a dangerous place
• You think that everything was better in the past
• You wear heavy cologne :p


Those are all the things that make me fly away.


 

Mountains

My life is like a chain of mountains.

Going up.

Then going down.

Going up.

Going down.

When I stand on top of a mountain I contemplate the landscape.

I see life and marvel at its beauty.

The horizon is bright.

I see the other mountaintop's I'd like to climb.

I see possibilities and exhilarating adventures ahead.

I brim with energy,

I love life and believe in myself.

Then somehow I slip.

I fall down the slope and hit the ground with a thump.

There I am in a narrow valley, I lie suffocating.

Surrounded by all these intimidating mountains,

that seem too much for a human to climb.

The inaccessible mountaintops sneer at me.

Everything takes so much effort.

And everything is too much.

So I just lie there, glued to the ground.

Waiting for it to pass.

Waiting for history to repeat itself.

Waiting for that breeze that will inspire me to climb the next mountain.

--

Song of the moment : Sia - I go to sleep

Free from my past, at last !

I feel free ! I feel liberated.

I met my last ex on the street yesterday. This is the guy who I was crazy about and had a 8 months relationship with before he realised he is not (and never was) in love with me.

I saw him from across the street and shouted his name so he would see me. I wanted to know how he had been. I had not seen him since the breakup 6 months ago. He seemed genuinely happy to see me and we talked about our lives for about 30-40 minutes. It felt very familiar, sweet and somewhat painful at the same time. It felt as if I had travelled in time.

There he was, the same as he had always been…

There he was, talking to me like he used to…

There he was, looking at me the way he used to…

And then it hit me ! His look.

His look is not, and never was, that of someone in love. It's just a friendly and amused look.

Now I see why I felt so insecure and shitty at times back in the day.

My subcoscious had read it all along in his eyes : he was not in love with me.

Something got liberated that moment. And I starting seeing things differently.

There he was, like he used to be.

There he was, the same flaws, the same shortcomings.

There he was, with those same odd stories that always made me wonder how he can live like that.

And then I realised : I do not even want to be with him anymore.

How liberating ! :)

And this is not the end of my story yet, for this trully was the week of exs and liberations from the past.

Some years ago I fell in love with someone whom I never dared to express my feelings to. My fascination (correction : obsession) for him lasted for like 3 years. Then our lives went separate ways. I never knew if he had felt something for me… He is the very silent, rather cold, non-communicative and shy type. So I secretly hoped that he might have had feelings but never dared to share them. So a week ago I decided to tell him all about it by email and ask him if he had ever had feelings for me.

As his usual non-communicative self he did not answer. And then it hit me : I am so sick and tired of this kind of dynamic. Sick and tired of imagining things due to lack of communication. So many times I had felt confussed and rejected by him in the past due to his coldness and lack of communication… This is not something I want in my life anymore.

So there you go, two big chapters closed in a single week. Not bad. :)

Looking back on my love life I see I have come a long, long, long way....

From being with someone I am not in love with and almost find repulsive,

to being with someone I do find handsome but without being in love with,

to being in love with someone, but not daring to tell him,

to finally being with someone I am in love with but who does not want to make it official

to being with someone I am in love with, who does make it official, but who is not in love with me

One baby step at a time... The next time can only be better! ;)

Asaf Avidan - The jail that sets you free