After 11 years spent in 2 suffocating and unfulfilling relationships I finally got to experience what it is like to be in a relationship that feels great and fulfilling. This completely changed my point of view on relationships. Yet, unfortunately, I did get dumped after 8 months (ouch!)...
For the first time in my life I am not experiencing singlehood as a liberation, but as a regression.
For the first time in my life I am called to examine my own and other people's prejudices on singlehood. Here are a few statements I used to hear and believe in, but that today sound like utter bullshit in my ears.
# 1 You should be self-sufficient and perfectly happy being single; then the rest will come
Yes. Cause if you are not perfectly content being single this means that you have not found the inner balance and independence you should have. The incredible myth of self-sufficiency ! We are supposed to be perfectly happy being alone. But what is wrong with preferring a relationship ? We are social animals and we are programmed to seek mates and procreate for crying out loud ! And you are here to tell me that this is something I should not care about that much. That this is something I should not desire or pursue?
Sure, while being single I should (and will) make my life as pleasant and complete as possible (what do you want me to do anyways, just lie down and cry until I find someone new?) but do not tell me that I should not aspire a new relationship.
# 2 Love comes when you stop looking for it
That is like telling someone : "Man, I know you want a job, but you should stop looking for one. Let things happen ! Let destiny take over". Now wouldn't you say that is utter bullshit ? We all know that your chances of finding a job increase with the amount of actions you take. Why should we not apply the same logic to finding a partner ? Why, when it comes to finding a partner, everyone starts saying that you should relax and let it go ?! Of course, good thinking. Let's make sure I make no efforts, cause these things are just supposed to "happen naturally". So I will not join Tinder or any such technological 'encounter-booster'... No speed dating either. Nor will I try out new activities in order to meet new people (and potential mates). Let's wait till I accidentally meet someone at the grocery store and instantly fall in love with him!
# 3 You can sleep around now and enjoy some sexual variety
OK, this comes from people who have a very unsatisfying sexual life with their own partner… ! (sorry, but please face your own reality).
Though it is true that other people can help you explore your own sexuality and body, I personally have never found sex to be very satisfying with people I hardly know. Sex is an activity that gets better over time : you learn how the other's person's body works, what their preferences are and how to excite them. One-night stands are actually not that fun; not for me at least.
# 4 If you are trying to « find someone » this means that you do not know how to be alone
Again, I am not supposed to like being in a relationship and put effort into meeting someone?... I am not supposed to admit I search for someone?…. Why ?! It does not mean I do not know how to be alone. It just means I prefer not to be !
# 5 If they do not love you it is only because you do not love yourself enough : you create your own reality
Now this is some marvelous new-age BS! Not only have I just got dumped, but it is my fault ! Because, of course, if I had loved myself more I would not have gotten into a relationship with this guy. Despite the fact that he told me he loved me incessantly, that he introduced me to all his friends without hesitation and that he made me meet his parents, I should have seen that deep down he is simply not that into me and that he has been in love with someone else all along ! Indeed. If only I loved myself more I think I would be psychic!
# 6 Do not rush things, take time to grieve
OK, I agree. But then again, what if I do feel like meeting new people ? Is there a time frame for everything ? How much time should I wait before I am allowed to date again ? Mind you, all my previous relationships (there were 4 of them) started with only a week's interval (pretty surprising right ?). It's not something I did on purpose, it just happened that way! (back then I wasn't even sure I wanted to be in a relationship ironically). And every new relationship was better than the last one. And every new boyfriend completely erased the previous one from my heart and mind.'Rushing things', though very inappropriate for some people, seems to work for me…
# 7 What is great about being single, is that you can do what you want
Here is a newflash for you: If you only were in a healthy and balanced relationship in which you can express yourself, then you would know that you can also do what you want while in a relationship… ! And then again, what if I like sharing experiences ? Watching a movie alone is good, but enjoying one together is even better. Eating a meal at a restaurant is great, but a romantic dinner is even better. Having the bed all to yourself feels good, but snuggling up to someone at night, being hugged and held tight, is even better… Relaxing on the sofa alone is good, but relaxing together is heaven. :) This is what my last relationship taught me : when in love, simple things become extraordinary. I find true pleasure in sharing an experience with the one I love. But maybe that is just me…
If there is one thing I leaned about myself, it is this :
With the right person, I do love being in a relationship!
For the first time in my life I am not experiencing singlehood as a liberation, but as a regression.
For the first time in my life I am called to examine my own and other people's prejudices on singlehood. Here are a few statements I used to hear and believe in, but that today sound like utter bullshit in my ears.
# 1 You should be self-sufficient and perfectly happy being single; then the rest will come
Yes. Cause if you are not perfectly content being single this means that you have not found the inner balance and independence you should have. The incredible myth of self-sufficiency ! We are supposed to be perfectly happy being alone. But what is wrong with preferring a relationship ? We are social animals and we are programmed to seek mates and procreate for crying out loud ! And you are here to tell me that this is something I should not care about that much. That this is something I should not desire or pursue?
Sure, while being single I should (and will) make my life as pleasant and complete as possible (what do you want me to do anyways, just lie down and cry until I find someone new?) but do not tell me that I should not aspire a new relationship.
# 2 Love comes when you stop looking for it
That is like telling someone : "Man, I know you want a job, but you should stop looking for one. Let things happen ! Let destiny take over". Now wouldn't you say that is utter bullshit ? We all know that your chances of finding a job increase with the amount of actions you take. Why should we not apply the same logic to finding a partner ? Why, when it comes to finding a partner, everyone starts saying that you should relax and let it go ?! Of course, good thinking. Let's make sure I make no efforts, cause these things are just supposed to "happen naturally". So I will not join Tinder or any such technological 'encounter-booster'... No speed dating either. Nor will I try out new activities in order to meet new people (and potential mates). Let's wait till I accidentally meet someone at the grocery store and instantly fall in love with him!
# 3 You can sleep around now and enjoy some sexual variety
OK, this comes from people who have a very unsatisfying sexual life with their own partner… ! (sorry, but please face your own reality).
Though it is true that other people can help you explore your own sexuality and body, I personally have never found sex to be very satisfying with people I hardly know. Sex is an activity that gets better over time : you learn how the other's person's body works, what their preferences are and how to excite them. One-night stands are actually not that fun; not for me at least.
# 4 If you are trying to « find someone » this means that you do not know how to be alone
Again, I am not supposed to like being in a relationship and put effort into meeting someone?... I am not supposed to admit I search for someone?…. Why ?! It does not mean I do not know how to be alone. It just means I prefer not to be !
# 5 If they do not love you it is only because you do not love yourself enough : you create your own reality
Now this is some marvelous new-age BS! Not only have I just got dumped, but it is my fault ! Because, of course, if I had loved myself more I would not have gotten into a relationship with this guy. Despite the fact that he told me he loved me incessantly, that he introduced me to all his friends without hesitation and that he made me meet his parents, I should have seen that deep down he is simply not that into me and that he has been in love with someone else all along ! Indeed. If only I loved myself more I think I would be psychic!
# 6 Do not rush things, take time to grieve
OK, I agree. But then again, what if I do feel like meeting new people ? Is there a time frame for everything ? How much time should I wait before I am allowed to date again ? Mind you, all my previous relationships (there were 4 of them) started with only a week's interval (pretty surprising right ?). It's not something I did on purpose, it just happened that way! (back then I wasn't even sure I wanted to be in a relationship ironically). And every new relationship was better than the last one. And every new boyfriend completely erased the previous one from my heart and mind.'Rushing things', though very inappropriate for some people, seems to work for me…
# 7 What is great about being single, is that you can do what you want
Here is a newflash for you: If you only were in a healthy and balanced relationship in which you can express yourself, then you would know that you can also do what you want while in a relationship… ! And then again, what if I like sharing experiences ? Watching a movie alone is good, but enjoying one together is even better. Eating a meal at a restaurant is great, but a romantic dinner is even better. Having the bed all to yourself feels good, but snuggling up to someone at night, being hugged and held tight, is even better… Relaxing on the sofa alone is good, but relaxing together is heaven. :) This is what my last relationship taught me : when in love, simple things become extraordinary. I find true pleasure in sharing an experience with the one I love. But maybe that is just me…
If there is one thing I leaned about myself, it is this :
With the right person, I do love being in a relationship!
