I feel free ! I
feel liberated.
I met my last ex on
the street yesterday. This is the guy who I was crazy about and had
a 8 months relationship with before he realised he is not (and never was)
in love with me.
I saw him from
across the street and shouted his name so he would see me. I wanted
to know how he had been. I had not seen him since the breakup 6
months ago. He seemed genuinely happy to see me and we talked about
our lives for about 30-40 minutes. It felt very familiar, sweet and somewhat
painful at the same time. It felt as if I had travelled in time.
There he was, the
same as he had always been…
There he was,
talking to me like he used to…
There he was,
looking at me the way he used to…
And then it hit me !
His look.
His look is not, and
never was, that of someone in love. It's just a friendly and amused
look.
Now I see why I felt
so insecure and shitty at times back in the day.
My subcoscious had
read it all along in his eyes : he was not in love with me.
Something got
liberated that moment. And I starting seeing things differently.
There he was, like
he used to be.
There he was, the
same flaws, the same shortcomings.
There he was, with
those same odd stories that always made me wonder how he can
live like that.
And then I
realised : I do not even want to be with him anymore.
How
liberating ! :)
And this is not the
end of my story yet, for this trully was the week of exs and
liberations from the past.
Some years ago I
fell in love with someone whom I never dared to express my feelings
to. My fascination (correction : obsession) for him lasted for
like 3 years. Then our lives went separate ways. I never knew if he
had felt something for me… He is the very silent, rather cold,
non-communicative and shy type. So I secretly hoped that he might have had
feelings but never dared to share them. So a week ago I
decided to tell him all about it by email and ask him if he had ever
had feelings for me.
As his usual
non-communicative self he did not answer. And then it hit me : I
am so sick and tired of this kind of dynamic. Sick and tired of
imagining things due to lack of communication. So many times I had
felt confussed and rejected by him in the past due to his
coldness and lack of communication… This is not something I want in
my life anymore.
So there you go, two
big chapters closed in a single week. Not bad. :)
Looking back on my
love life I see I have come a long, long, long way....
From being with
someone I am not in love with and almost find repulsive,
to being with
someone I do find handsome but without being in love with,
to being in love
with someone, but not daring to tell him,
to finally being
with someone I am in love with but who does not want to make it
official
to being with
someone I am in love with, who does make it official, but who is not in
love with me
One baby step at a
time... The next time can only be better! ;)
Asaf Avidan - The jail that sets you free
Asaf Avidan - The jail that sets you free
