A year ago I lost my light. I’ve been able to see for 12 out of the 13 years of my adult life, but now I live in the darkness. No colors, no breathtaking views, no warm sunsets, no romantic moons… I can’t ride the bike anymore, go to the theater or roam around the city carelessly like I used to.
It’s a loss a feel daily, in the small things and in the big things. My life is just not the same anymore.
The doctors tell me my blindness is a temporary one. That statistically speaking I should be able to see again one day, yet they cannot predict when. In a week, or in a month, or maybe in 5 years.
It’s been a year now. Still no light.
I had to learn everything anew. How to be in the darkness and how to focus on my other senses.
How to make the most of what I got.
I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year, and indeed my hearing has never been this sharp.
I also found alternative activities for myself and met a lot of new people along the way.
In fact, I think I have never been this busy.
Still, I do miss the light. I miss it dearly. I miss seeing.
Some of my visual memories start to fade.
Sometimes I panic. I’m afraid I will forget what it felt like to see.
So I play memories over and over in my head. Holding on to what I remember of living in the light.
Every retrieved memory is a relief: at least I can still see with my mind's eye.
At least I have not forgotten how beautiful all those landscapes are.
At least I have not come to believe that light does not exist.
Yet, every retrieved memory also drives a dagger through my heart.
It is a painful reminder that I cannot see anymore.
Will I ever see again?
The doctors say so…
Sometimes I experience a brief flash of light. I get all excited and for the next few days I am in a state of over-joyous frenzy. Maybe this is it, maybe I will see again!
A few days later, when the light has failed to come into my life, I sink into depression.
It’s not my time yet. It’s not today…
I’ve also exhausted myself trying out solution that were supposed to help me heal faster.
It did not work and it took so much energy away from me.
So I will let it be now.
Whenever I share the sadness I feel well-meaning friends, family and acquaintances try to comfort me or give me advice :
“You should fully embrace your new life, make the most out of it.”
- I do make the most out of it, but the sad truth is that I would rather skip to the part where I will see again.
“When you will truly let it go, when you will stop trying that is when you will suddenly start to see again”
- Hmmm… I did not know that outer reality is influenced by our inner hopes and thoughts. Cause see, if that were true everyone could obtain what they desire by just stopping trying. How great would that be! A true revolution!
If you wanna be rich, all you need to do is stop trying and BOOM you’ll just win the lottery one day! Or if you wanna loose weight, all you need to do is stop trying and BOOM, one day you wake up thin magically! Or if you wanna become a top athlete, just stop trying and it will happen. I am telling you, this is how the world works. Just stop tying and it will happen when you least expect it! This is the magic rule that reigns our universe.
(By the way, I have stopped trying quiet a while ago but that hasn’t changed anything)
“You know, not being able to see is actually a cool thing! Think about how strong your other senses have become. That is pretty neat right?”
- Yes it is pretty neat indeed, but I would like to fucking see again too. Why don’t you go and pull out your own eyes if you think this is so cool!
- Oh sorry, you are blind from birth you say?…. Well, I understand why you don’t miss seeing then. You cannot miss something you have never known.
See I sometimes get the feeling that I am not allowed to feel sad from time to time. That I should feel complete living in darkness. Yet I don’t. I am sorry but I simply don’t. I miss those breathtaking views and all the things I could do. Why should I embrace this new reality when the doctors say it’s only temporary? Why should I pretend that there is not more to life than this?
So please accept that I sometimes do carry a little dark cloud with me that is raining right over my head. And please stop telling me that I should chase it away. I can’t.
All you can do, is open an umbrella of empathy for me.
Different pulses - Asaf Avidan
It’s a loss a feel daily, in the small things and in the big things. My life is just not the same anymore.
The doctors tell me my blindness is a temporary one. That statistically speaking I should be able to see again one day, yet they cannot predict when. In a week, or in a month, or maybe in 5 years.
It’s been a year now. Still no light.
I had to learn everything anew. How to be in the darkness and how to focus on my other senses.
How to make the most of what I got.
I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year, and indeed my hearing has never been this sharp.
I also found alternative activities for myself and met a lot of new people along the way.
In fact, I think I have never been this busy.
Still, I do miss the light. I miss it dearly. I miss seeing.
Some of my visual memories start to fade.
Sometimes I panic. I’m afraid I will forget what it felt like to see.
So I play memories over and over in my head. Holding on to what I remember of living in the light.
Every retrieved memory is a relief: at least I can still see with my mind's eye.
At least I have not forgotten how beautiful all those landscapes are.
At least I have not come to believe that light does not exist.
Yet, every retrieved memory also drives a dagger through my heart.
It is a painful reminder that I cannot see anymore.
Will I ever see again?
The doctors say so…
Sometimes I experience a brief flash of light. I get all excited and for the next few days I am in a state of over-joyous frenzy. Maybe this is it, maybe I will see again!
A few days later, when the light has failed to come into my life, I sink into depression.
It’s not my time yet. It’s not today…
I’ve also exhausted myself trying out solution that were supposed to help me heal faster.
It did not work and it took so much energy away from me.
So I will let it be now.
Whenever I share the sadness I feel well-meaning friends, family and acquaintances try to comfort me or give me advice :
“You should fully embrace your new life, make the most out of it.”
- I do make the most out of it, but the sad truth is that I would rather skip to the part where I will see again.
“When you will truly let it go, when you will stop trying that is when you will suddenly start to see again”
- Hmmm… I did not know that outer reality is influenced by our inner hopes and thoughts. Cause see, if that were true everyone could obtain what they desire by just stopping trying. How great would that be! A true revolution!
If you wanna be rich, all you need to do is stop trying and BOOM you’ll just win the lottery one day! Or if you wanna loose weight, all you need to do is stop trying and BOOM, one day you wake up thin magically! Or if you wanna become a top athlete, just stop trying and it will happen. I am telling you, this is how the world works. Just stop tying and it will happen when you least expect it! This is the magic rule that reigns our universe.
(By the way, I have stopped trying quiet a while ago but that hasn’t changed anything)
“You know, not being able to see is actually a cool thing! Think about how strong your other senses have become. That is pretty neat right?”
- Yes it is pretty neat indeed, but I would like to fucking see again too. Why don’t you go and pull out your own eyes if you think this is so cool!
- Oh sorry, you are blind from birth you say?…. Well, I understand why you don’t miss seeing then. You cannot miss something you have never known.
See I sometimes get the feeling that I am not allowed to feel sad from time to time. That I should feel complete living in darkness. Yet I don’t. I am sorry but I simply don’t. I miss those breathtaking views and all the things I could do. Why should I embrace this new reality when the doctors say it’s only temporary? Why should I pretend that there is not more to life than this?
So please accept that I sometimes do carry a little dark cloud with me that is raining right over my head. And please stop telling me that I should chase it away. I can’t.
All you can do, is open an umbrella of empathy for me.
Different pulses - Asaf Avidan
