8 months ago I decided to stop using Tinder. Finding dates has thus been reduced to chance encounters (which are much rarer). Ever since, I have seen my mental peace go up and I started feeling better about being single.
Here is the text I wrote the day I removed Tinder from my phone, 8 months ago:
For the last 10 months I have been experiencing a strange, emotional jojo effect.
There are times that I feel neutral.
There are times I feel ecstatic.
And...
There are times I feel really, really, really shitty.
The "I don't want to get out of bed ever again" kind of shitty.
Everything looks gray and grim on those days.
A dark veil covers all my experiences
And it rains on all my parades.
I thought it was because I am single.
But now I think it's because of all that dating!
Cause in periods where I had no dates for a while and just focused on myself and the things I like, I actually felt good! :)
Since I do not like theories without any data to support them, I took out my calculator.
In the last 10 months I have had about 30 dates. I usually spend between 2 and 4 hours with a date. With some of them I went on a second or even a third date. So let's just say that I spend 3 hours with a date on average. That is a total of 90 hours of dating in 10 months. Ka-ching!
But before I even go on a date I spend a LOT of time swipping Tinder candidates left (which means "no" for those who are not familiar with Tinder), chatting with various people and filtering out the ones that can obviously not be a match after some discussion. We can safely say that I need about 4 hours of this before I end up going on one date (and that is a very optimistic estimation in fact, I think it's more). So that is 120 hours of swiping and chatting. Ka-ching!
So we have a total of 210 hours spent on dating related activities in 10 months. This equals 1,2 months worth of work for a fulltime job. Which is enormous!!!! If i had used this time to do stretches I would be doing a split by now!!! :D
But, I am not done calculating yet.
The truth is that I am a very sensitive, romantic soul that cannot help but go on these dates with expectations. So no matter how the date turns out, I'll always end up feeling shitty. What is worse, is that I have a very annoying and grim voice resonating in my head for days after each date.
If they turn me down, it obviously hurts my ego and the grim, annoying voice will torture me with things like:
If I turn them down, the annoying, grim voice sounds something like this:
So as you can see, after dates I typically end up hating myself and the world. I know this voice is silly and mean and full of bullshit, yet it does get to me unfortunately...
I don't like what this is doing to me, and I don't like what I am becoming.
These fits of anger and self-abuse propel me into a depressive state which typically lasts from 2 to 5 days after a date. Which means I had the pleasure of experiencing about 105 days of dating-relating depression and anger in the last 10 months. That is 3,5 months of depression and 1,2 months worth of fulltime work! GREAT!
The conclusion is clear : dating for me is just plain SELF-ABUSE.
Here is the text I wrote the day I removed Tinder from my phone, 8 months ago:
For the last 10 months I have been experiencing a strange, emotional jojo effect.
There are times that I feel neutral.
There are times I feel ecstatic.
And...
There are times I feel really, really, really shitty.
The "I don't want to get out of bed ever again" kind of shitty.
Everything looks gray and grim on those days.
A dark veil covers all my experiences
And it rains on all my parades.
I thought it was because I am single.
But now I think it's because of all that dating!
Cause in periods where I had no dates for a while and just focused on myself and the things I like, I actually felt good! :)
Since I do not like theories without any data to support them, I took out my calculator.
In the last 10 months I have had about 30 dates. I usually spend between 2 and 4 hours with a date. With some of them I went on a second or even a third date. So let's just say that I spend 3 hours with a date on average. That is a total of 90 hours of dating in 10 months. Ka-ching!
But before I even go on a date I spend a LOT of time swipping Tinder candidates left (which means "no" for those who are not familiar with Tinder), chatting with various people and filtering out the ones that can obviously not be a match after some discussion. We can safely say that I need about 4 hours of this before I end up going on one date (and that is a very optimistic estimation in fact, I think it's more). So that is 120 hours of swiping and chatting. Ka-ching!
So we have a total of 210 hours spent on dating related activities in 10 months. This equals 1,2 months worth of work for a fulltime job. Which is enormous!!!! If i had used this time to do stretches I would be doing a split by now!!! :D
But, I am not done calculating yet.
The truth is that I am a very sensitive, romantic soul that cannot help but go on these dates with expectations. So no matter how the date turns out, I'll always end up feeling shitty. What is worse, is that I have a very annoying and grim voice resonating in my head for days after each date.
If they turn me down, it obviously hurts my ego and the grim, annoying voice will torture me with things like:
- "You are not beautiful, stylish, mysterious and interesting enough" (Chipping away at my self-love, confidence and integrity)
- "The type of guys that you DO like are way out of your league" (feeling worthless and not good enough)
- "A guy like that will never fall head over heels for you" (despair, nasty comment to oneself)
- "With that ridiculously enormous grin of yours you must have scared him away. He must have realized that in your mind you saw him like one giant chocolate truffle and he ran for his life" (self-loathing)
If I turn them down, the annoying, grim voice sounds something like this:
- "You probably just hurt someone. You're a bad person" (GUILT, GUILT, GUILT)
- "Is it really a coincidence that you dislike those who like you? You must be sick in your head or something!" (Mindfucking myself)
- "Maybe you judged too fast" (DOUBT, DOUBT, DOUBT)
- "You're too difficult" (self-loathing, nastiness)
- "How come you never like anyone? Maybe you are still not over your ex" (again trying to find an explanation for the inexplicable and making it my own fault while forgetting the few men I did like)
- "Maybe you are not ready to open your heart again. It's your own fault. (Another variant of blaming myself)
- "Are there no men I like out there? What the hell is wrong with this world? Am I living in the wrong city?" (Despair and blaming the world, becoming mean and nasty)
- "Where are the noteworthy men? Where are they? Why do I only know noteworthy, admirable, kind and beautiful WOMEN? Why are there no men like that out there? Maybe it's a gender thing!" (Great despair, Frustration, becoming unfair and unrealistic, forgetting the positive encounters, forgetting that I have noteworthy male friends, being 2 steps away from becoming a lesbian)
- "All the good ones are taken, and those bitches make sure to stay right on top of them" (being very frustrated and angry, unfair, nasty and mean).
So as you can see, after dates I typically end up hating myself and the world. I know this voice is silly and mean and full of bullshit, yet it does get to me unfortunately...
I don't like what this is doing to me, and I don't like what I am becoming.
These fits of anger and self-abuse propel me into a depressive state which typically lasts from 2 to 5 days after a date. Which means I had the pleasure of experiencing about 105 days of dating-relating depression and anger in the last 10 months. That is 3,5 months of depression and 1,2 months worth of fulltime work! GREAT!
The conclusion is clear : dating for me is just plain SELF-ABUSE.
