My deal breakers

I have been thinking lately about the qualities I appreciate in a potential partner. Somehow this exercise is easier when I think about my deal-breakers and then extrapolate from there.

You won’t be a match for me if:

• You can’t laugh about yourself
• You think there needs to be a good reason in order to laugh and smile
• You do not naturally smile back at people
• You can’t get loose and enjoy yourself without alcohol or drugs
• You are a chain-smoker or a workaholic
• You are a travel addict
• You sweat the small stuff
• You are often stressed, anxious or afraid
• You are obsessed and/or impressed by money, power, fame or knowledge
• You cannot relax and have to absolutely be doing something every second of your day
• You cannot enjoy being alone
• You like carrying the weight of the world while you neglect carrying your own weight
• You find it very difficult to open up and talk about your emotions
• You absolutely, certainly, most definitively want to have children
• You believe you have to absolutely live in the same house with someone when you are in a committed relationship with them
• You dislike monogamy
• You dislike monogamy but prefer to nag about it instead of changing your lifestyle (go ahead and be polygamous, no one is stopping you)
• You cannot talk about sex
• You hate the city
• You think freedom is only possible when living in a little cabin in the woods
• You think that the quality of travel is measured by the number of kilometers traveled
• You think society needs to change before you can start being happy
• It’s always everybody else’s fault cause you do not realize the power of your actions, decisions and attitude
• Your home is extremely tidy and it feels more like a catalog image than a living home
• You think it’s not necessary to be in love in order to be with someone; and if you ask “what do you mean by be in love?” it means you probably never felt it or are playing dumb cause you rather be with someone than be alone. When you feel it you know it, there is no doubt nor an explanation necessary.
• You haven’t cut that umbilical cord yet
• You are too concerned with what others will think of you
• You see the world as a dangerous place
• You think that everything was better in the past
• You wear heavy cologne :p


Those are all the things that make me fly away.


 

Mountains

My life is like a chain of mountains.

Going up.

Then going down.

Going up.

Going down.

When I stand on top of a mountain I contemplate the landscape.

I see life and marvel at its beauty.

The horizon is bright.

I see the other mountaintop's I'd like to climb.

I see possibilities and exhilarating adventures ahead.

I brim with energy,

I love life and believe in myself.

Then somehow I slip.

I fall down the slope and hit the ground with a thump.

There I am in a narrow valley, I lie suffocating.

Surrounded by all these intimidating mountains,

that seem too much for a human to climb.

The inaccessible mountaintops sneer at me.

Everything takes so much effort.

And everything is too much.

So I just lie there, glued to the ground.

Waiting for it to pass.

Waiting for history to repeat itself.

Waiting for that breeze that will inspire me to climb the next mountain.

--

Song of the moment : Sia - I go to sleep

Free from my past, at last !

I feel free ! I feel liberated.

I met my last ex on the street yesterday. This is the guy who I was crazy about and had a 8 months relationship with before he realised he is not (and never was) in love with me.

I saw him from across the street and shouted his name so he would see me. I wanted to know how he had been. I had not seen him since the breakup 6 months ago. He seemed genuinely happy to see me and we talked about our lives for about 30-40 minutes. It felt very familiar, sweet and somewhat painful at the same time. It felt as if I had travelled in time.

There he was, the same as he had always been…

There he was, talking to me like he used to…

There he was, looking at me the way he used to…

And then it hit me ! His look.

His look is not, and never was, that of someone in love. It's just a friendly and amused look.

Now I see why I felt so insecure and shitty at times back in the day.

My subcoscious had read it all along in his eyes : he was not in love with me.

Something got liberated that moment. And I starting seeing things differently.

There he was, like he used to be.

There he was, the same flaws, the same shortcomings.

There he was, with those same odd stories that always made me wonder how he can live like that.

And then I realised : I do not even want to be with him anymore.

How liberating ! :)

And this is not the end of my story yet, for this trully was the week of exs and liberations from the past.

Some years ago I fell in love with someone whom I never dared to express my feelings to. My fascination (correction : obsession) for him lasted for like 3 years. Then our lives went separate ways. I never knew if he had felt something for me… He is the very silent, rather cold, non-communicative and shy type. So I secretly hoped that he might have had feelings but never dared to share them. So a week ago I decided to tell him all about it by email and ask him if he had ever had feelings for me.

As his usual non-communicative self he did not answer. And then it hit me : I am so sick and tired of this kind of dynamic. Sick and tired of imagining things due to lack of communication. So many times I had felt confussed and rejected by him in the past due to his coldness and lack of communication… This is not something I want in my life anymore.

So there you go, two big chapters closed in a single week. Not bad. :)

Looking back on my love life I see I have come a long, long, long way....

From being with someone I am not in love with and almost find repulsive,

to being with someone I do find handsome but without being in love with,

to being in love with someone, but not daring to tell him,

to finally being with someone I am in love with but who does not want to make it official

to being with someone I am in love with, who does make it official, but who is not in love with me

One baby step at a time... The next time can only be better! ;)

Asaf Avidan - The jail that sets you free

How I started being a happy single

That's it, I've reached a milestone. I finally feel trully happy and fullfilled while being single.

Today I smile with a new smile. I feel reborn since Thursday. :)
Instead on focusing on what I do not have, I have started focusing on what I do have.
Instead on focusing on finding someone, I focused on myself for a change, and it feels GREAT ! :)

I nourrish my heart with people and activities I love. I take care of myself. I buy myself gifts.


The sense of loss and the memory of love and life as a two-some has started to fade.

Why have I ever needed someone ?
The answer is : I do not need anyone.
I can be happy like this.
And for the moment I very much enjoy exploring myself and life as a single.

Does this mean I am closed to love now ? No it does not, it just means that it feels way less urgent.

If love comes along, I will take the leap. But only for a great love. No mediocre or iffy love is getting me off singlehood now! ;p

This feels ECTATIC ! :D

The relationship I want

I want to be crazy about him and I want him to be crazy about me too.

I want us to be in love.

I want us to feel like we are the luckiest people on the planet for having found eachother.

I want us to feel fulfilled.

I want us to be fascinated by eachother.

I want us to see, accept and respect eachother's differences and needs.

I want us to perceive any challenges we will face as opportunities to improve our relationship.

I want us to experience things together.

I want us to learn and grow together.

And most importanlty,
I want making eachother happy to be one of the greater joys in life.

I wish that none of us will ever need to doubt the other's love.
I wish that mutual love will be the basis that we will build everything on.
I wish we will never need to doubt that we belong together.

I want to love and to be loved in return.
This is the kind of relationship I want.

The myth of self-sufficiency and other bullshit about singlehood

After 11 years spent in 2 suffocating and unfulfilling relationships I finally got to experience what it is like to be in a relationship that feels great and fulfilling. This completely changed my point of view on relationships. Yet, unfortunately, I did get dumped after 8 months (ouch!)...
For the first time in my life I am not experiencing singlehood as a liberation, but as a regression.
For the first time in my life I am called to examine my own and other people's  prejudices on singlehood. Here are a few statements I used to hear and believe in, but that today sound like utter bullshit in my ears.

# 1 You should be self-sufficient and perfectly happy being single; then the rest will come
Yes. Cause if you are not perfectly content being single this means that you have not found the inner balance and independence you should have. The incredible myth of self-sufficiency ! We are supposed to be perfectly happy being alone. But what is wrong with preferring a relationship ? We are social animals and we are programmed to seek mates and procreate for crying out loud ! And you are here to tell me that this is something I should not care about that much. That this is something I should not desire or pursue?
Sure, while being single I should (and will) make my life as pleasant and complete as possible (what do you want me to do anyways, just lie down and cry until I find someone new?) but do not tell me that I should not aspire a new relationship. 


# 2 Love comes when you stop looking for it
That is like telling someone : "Man, I know you want a job, but you should stop looking for one. Let things happen ! Let destiny take over". Now wouldn't you say that is utter bullshit ? We all know that your chances of finding a job increase with the amount of actions you take. Why should we not apply the same logic to finding a partner ? Why, when it comes to finding a partner, everyone starts saying that you should relax and let it go ?! Of course, good thinking. Let's make sure I make no efforts, cause these things are just supposed to "happen naturally". So I will not join Tinder or any such technological 'encounter-booster'... No speed dating either. Nor will I try out new activities in order to meet new people (and potential mates). Let's wait till I accidentally meet someone at the grocery store and instantly fall in love with him!


# 3 You can sleep around now and enjoy some sexual variety
OK, this comes from people who have a very unsatisfying sexual life with their own partner… ! (sorry, but please face your own reality).
Though it is true that other people can help you explore your own sexuality and body, I personally have never found sex to be very satisfying with people I hardly know. Sex is an activity that gets better over time : you learn how the other's person's body works, what their preferences are and how to excite them. One-night stands are actually not that fun; not for me at least.

# 4 If you are trying to « find someone » this means that you do not know how to be alone
Again, I am not supposed to like being in a relationship and put effort into meeting someone?... I am not supposed to admit I search for someone?…. Why ?! It does not mean I do not know how to be alone. It just means I prefer not to be !

# 5 If they do not love you it is only because you do not love yourself enough : you create your own reality
Now this is some marvelous new-age BS! Not only have I just got dumped, but it is my fault ! Because, of course, if I had loved myself more I would not have gotten into a relationship with this guy. Despite the fact that he told me he loved me incessantly, that he introduced me to all his friends without hesitation and that he made me meet his parents, I should have seen that deep down he is simply not that into me and that he has been in love with someone else all along ! Indeed. If only I loved myself more I think I would be psychic!


# 6 Do not rush things, take time to grieve
OK, I agree. But then again, what if I do feel like meeting new people ? Is there a time frame for everything ? How much time should I wait before I am allowed to date again ? Mind you, all my previous relationships (there were 4 of them) started with only a week's interval (pretty surprising right ?). It's not something I did on purpose, it just happened that way! (back then I wasn't even sure I wanted to be in a relationship ironically). And every new relationship was better than the last one. And every new boyfriend completely erased the previous one from my heart and mind.'Rushing things', though very inappropriate for some people, seems to work for me…


 # 7 What is great about being single, is that you can do what you want
Here is a newflash for you: If you only were in a healthy and balanced relationship in which you can express yourself, then you would know that you can also do what you want while in a relationship… ! And then again, what if I like sharing experiences ? Watching a movie alone is good, but enjoying one together is even better. Eating a meal at a restaurant is great, but a romantic dinner is even better. Having the bed all to yourself feels good, but snuggling up to someone at night, being hugged and held tight, is even better… Relaxing on the sofa alone is good, but relaxing together is heaven. :) This is what my last relationship taught me : when in love, simple things become extraordinary. I find true pleasure in sharing an experience with the one I love. But maybe that is just me…


If there is one thing I leaned about myself, it is this :
With the right person, I do love being in a relationship!

My journey from girl, to boy, to potato bag, to woman

You broke me.
You broke me, like only a parent can break his child.
18 years of breaking.
12 years and over 10.000 miles to heal myself.
And still, sometimes I wonder, will I ever trully heal?

I was born a girl.
I always felt like one and wanted to be one, yet you could just not let me be.

At the age of 5 I used the "kids make-up" I had received as a gift in order to make myself pretty. I wanted to be like the grown up women.
You shamed me for it.

At the age of 6 I wanted to wear my long blond hair down just like my older cousin.
Again you shamed me for it.

At the age of 7 my sister received a pleated skirt that would levitate when she spun.
She was standing in the garden, spinning around and making her skirt dance.
I found that beautiful and it seemed like so much fun!
I wanted the same thing and I told you so.
With a lot of disdain in your voice you told me that skirts are silly and that I should wear trousers instead.

At the age of 8 you decided it was time for a change.
I guess you had enough of me looking like a girl.
You took me and my sister to the hairdresser and ordered a boy's haircut.
There went my long blond hair... 
But then I saw how happy you looked...
You took us home proudly announcing to my mother "Look at our boys!"

From that point onwards it was clear: you wanted me to be a boy.
You would encourage and cheer on for any boyish attitude I would display. Sports? That's it, you're strongest of them all! Fighting? That's my boy! Shouting? Great, you little rebell! Scaring other boys? I am so proud of you!

I felt loved as a boy. I felt empowered.
I started imagining myself with a beard and felt assured that I would make a very handsome man one day.

But one's inner nature is a persistent thing...

At the age of 12 I tried to wear my first two-piece bathing suit.
Again you shamed me.
You told me I should take the top off because that is for women who have breasts and that, since I had none, it was utterly silly for me to wear one.
I took it off.

Then puberty came.
And my first crush came.

It was a boy.
You were not aware of it of course, I did not tell you about it.
I wanted to be pretty, I wanted to look like a girl.

I started wearing tight jeans and dresses.
Now you stopped talking altogether. I guess you figured there was no stopping it. You became distant.

But where you stopped, society (or an unfortunate series of events) managed to replace you marvelously.
I received vulgar and nasty comments from men.
I was harassed.
And on top of all of that, I was shamed by female classmates for wearing tight clothes.

I felt unsafe and vulnerable as a woman. I felt agressed.
I figured the best way to fight this was to hide my female body.

I started hiding my body behind wide clothes.
Make-up? Jewellery? Don't even think about it.
I was as elegant as a bag of potatoes.

Did it stop here?
Unfortunately not...
When I was older (17 years old) the subject of sex would come up in conversation sometimes.
You talked about it as if it was something women endured.
Something degrading that is inflicted upon women.
Something that gave men power of women.
Never was a woman an active participant in it.
In your representation, sex was not about love and pleasure.
Sex was a tool for dominance.

Good luck with your future sex life you 17 year old girl!
That is some great piece of inheritance to build on!...

Sometimes I find myself thinking that people like you should not have children. I find myself really hating you. "How can someone be so insensitive? How can a parent so utterly invalidate their child?". It was like an anhilation of my identity.

I cannot even start to imagine what your parents/the society you grew up in must have been like for you to turn out that way...

Yet here I am today. 12 years have passed since I (unconsciously) decided to remove myself from your poisonous influence.

It took me many years and a lot of work to start finding myself.
Owning myself.

Being able to wear skirts and tight clothes represents a victory for me today.

Sometimes I wish I could just get rid of the past, throw it all away.
I wish the past did not define me.

Yet it has been an enriching experience. A transformation.
A transformation that is far from being done.